Update/Ramble

Wow. I had almost forgotten about this blog. I was messing around online today, wanting to write (having almost forgotten this calling), but not knowing what or where to write. I ended up writing a short letter to my aunt, which felt good, just to get something out there. But it wasn't enough.

I started surfing around, checking out some of the old blogs I used to read that have also been abandoned. Was pleasantly surprised that one of them actually had an update after over a year.

It reminded me to check my own, that I COULD check my own...that I COULD write. I noticed that just a few posts from the top, I mentioned that my son was 5, and we were beginning our homeschooling journey. Heh.

Well, to any who *might* be curious, here's a couple updates. It feels so strange to write to an audience that I know could be there...it really stops me from letting go, and often I wish I were more anonymous - but that defeats my ultimate goal of writing a book someday. Sometimes that feels more real and possible than others. Because in order for that to be possible, I HAVE TO PUT IN THE WORK.

I started to write a little bit last summer and fall, privately. I actually started to get a TINY bit of momentum going. It felt really good. With bravado, I even signed up for Nanowrimo in November - the Write a Novel in 30 Days competition. It's for writers to just get that first (or whichever number) novel out there. To take away all the blocks. To not expect a piece of brilliance, but to have something to work on. The whole point is to get it done - fast. I thought it was a great challenge and I looked forward to it for a couple months, having signed up in the summer.

It's amazing to think I had the gall, looking back at what I was going through. I can't elaborate here. But it's in the past, now, and I'm healing. I'm putting that episode of life to rest. Alhamdulileh, I learned a lot, and that's one of the reasons we are here on earth - to learn.

After working for 2 days on my Nanowrimo book project - yes, I actually started a book - 2 days worth; yay me - I got sidetracked. It doesn't take much, but I truly was busy then, for the next 2 1/2 months. My inlaws came and stayed with us, and I was very, very busy, and overwhelmed with the constant presence of people. I couldn't write with people enveloping me all the time.

I learned a lot from that experience, too. It could be that Allah gave me a lot of tests last year in order for me to learn. To strengthen my patience. To really take the time time ponder Life, the Self, what it all means - which is exactly the kind of pondering and time-taking to do so that lead me to seeking religion in the first place. So I needed these things, to be a better, stronger person. Now I know I've got some new skills - but always, always with the weakness and fragility of humans, I must continually work on these things. Polishing them so they don't disappear.

We can't be arrogant. Humbleness is essential. Looking at things from other people's points of view. Compassion.

But mainly patience. And learning to find peace in any situation. You don't even have to physically escape to a retreat to have peace; you can find that inner sanctuary while going about the daily necessities of your life.

Now I need to learn motivation. But I don't relish a test in order for me to learn it. Those tests are very hard.

But now I'm choked up again. I have the same old fears that stop me from putting one letter in front of the other, like putting one foot in front of the other, learning how to walk.

So now I'm just going to put this out there - this ramble - even though it's absolutely nothing. I love reading books about writing and how to get yourself going. They all say you need to get the trash out. To just GO and do it. Probably it would be wiser to do this privately, where no one can read my trash, BUT the problem there is....no motivation. Even though I'm writing trash, it's still more fun to type it, know it's going somewhere, and being read. It's a psychosis.

Since my "blog" was updated last, my son is now 7 and in school. Alhamdulileh.

It's funny how much you can go through, how much you can change in 2 years, while mostly appearing the same to people. The adventure, the journey, was all on the inside.

I've changed my tune about homeschooling, for one thing. I was completely gung-ho about it - absolutely bent on it. Stopping homeschooling at one point seemed like a tragedy to me.

But people come into our lives and act as teachers, without them even realizing it. Someone that helped prepare me for what was to come, by the Grace of Allah, was a different relative of my husband's. She came, a strong person with strong opinions and a lot to say, and I enjoyed listening to her and thinking about what she had to say. On that facet, she talked a lot about a socio-political side of Islam that I didn't know anything about. But what she wasn't aware of was another facet of her visit: I got to experience her children interacting with my children.

This has occured before - relatives coming to visit for a period of time - but the kids were younger then, and certain transitions were not in the air. This time, I experienced my son, whose educational direction was already in question, and his happiness at being around another friend. A good companion. How my son was willing to learn from him - excited and energized by that. I thought maybe he would do well in a school setting, a more social setting, and it would be fair to let him try it. So we did, last fall.

He's doing well. He hasn't found that sort of best friend, which really is something special and uncommon, but he has a good time, for the most part. Significantly, I think it's important and fair to give him the opportunity to learn from and experience people other than his family.

I just filled out my middle daughter's kindergarten application for the fall. I won't send it in though until she completes the Early Childhood Screening exam.

I thought about homeschooling her for kindergarten, but in the school's open house in the fall, I took one look at the glorious kindergarten room, and thought, no way. She'd have way too much fun here, inshaAllah. She's really looking forward to it.

And alhamdulileh, inshaAllah I'll still have the baby, at home with me. :)