Sunday, July 27, 2014

Eid Sayeed

Eid Sayeed.

One moment of happiness is enough to make your soul open and bloom. One moment of happiness is enough to make everything ok.

A month of fasting is challenging. Particularly in the summer months. Particularly for the faithful fasting around the world enmeshed in war.

There are those known to me and unknown who are suffering. Such is the condition of this world. The suffering will continue in one way or another for all human beings - physically, mentally, emotionally. But if you recognize one moment - maybe this one right now - of happiness, you will melt. Your eyes fill with tears at the bounty, the generosity of something so beautiful as this moment. Although we humans spread darkness and pain, we spread love, too. May at least one moment of joy be unveiled for you, and fill your heart, and make it bloom.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

I put my face in the black pool of stars
and hear the roar of waves as I bow down.
All the crawling creatures come to life
blinking their golden eyes
and curling around their columns.
My feet are red from all this walking.
My voice is lost from all this whispering
A language of one. 
My head is full of stories
told over and over again in my blood. 

Thursday, January 26, 2012


Wow. I had almost forgotten about this blog. I was messing around online today, wanting to write (having almost forgotten this calling), but not knowing what or where to write. I ended up writing a short letter to my aunt, which felt good, just to get something out there. But it wasn't enough.

I started surfing around, checking out some of the old blogs I used to read that have also been abandoned. Was pleasantly surprised that one of them actually had an update after over a year.

It reminded me to check my own, that I COULD check my own...that I COULD write. I noticed that just a few posts from the top, I mentioned that my son was 5, and we were beginning our homeschooling journey. Heh.

Well, to any who *might* be curious, here's a couple updates. It feels so strange to write to an audience that I know could be really stops me from letting go, and often I wish I were more anonymous - but that defeats my ultimate goal of writing a book someday. Sometimes that feels more real and possible than others. Because in order for that to be possible, I HAVE TO PUT IN THE WORK.

I started to write a little bit last summer and fall, privately. I actually started to get a TINY bit of momentum going. It felt really good. With bravado, I even signed up for Nanowrimo in November - the Write a Novel in 30 Days competition. It's for writers to just get that first (or whichever number) novel out there. To take away all the blocks. To not expect a piece of brilliance, but to have something to work on. The whole point is to get it done - fast. I thought it was a great challenge and I looked forward to it for a couple months, having signed up in the summer.

It's amazing to think I had the gall, looking back at what I was going through. I can't elaborate here. But it's in the past, now, and I'm healing. I'm putting that episode of life to rest. Alhamdulileh, I learned a lot, and that's one of the reasons we are here on earth - to learn.

After working for 2 days on my Nanowrimo book project - yes, I actually started a book - 2 days worth; yay me - I got sidetracked. It doesn't take much, but I truly was busy then, for the next 2 1/2 months. My inlaws came and stayed with us, and I was very, very busy, and overwhelmed with the constant presence of people. I couldn't write with people enveloping me all the time.

I learned a lot from that experience, too. It could be that Allah gave me a lot of tests last year in order for me to learn. To strengthen my patience. To really take the time time ponder Life, the Self, what it all means - which is exactly the kind of pondering and time-taking to do so that lead me to seeking religion in the first place. So I needed these things, to be a better, stronger person. Now I know I've got some new skills - but always, always with the weakness and fragility of humans, I must continually work on these things. Polishing them so they don't disappear.

We can't be arrogant. Humbleness is essential. Looking at things from other people's points of view. Compassion.

But mainly patience. And learning to find peace in any situation. You don't even have to physically escape to a retreat to have peace; you can find that inner sanctuary while going about the daily necessities of your life.

Now I need to learn motivation. But I don't relish a test in order for me to learn it. Those tests are very hard.

But now I'm choked up again. I have the same old fears that stop me from putting one letter in front of the other, like putting one foot in front of the other, learning how to walk.

So now I'm just going to put this out there - this ramble - even though it's absolutely nothing. I love reading books about writing and how to get yourself going. They all say you need to get the trash out. To just GO and do it. Probably it would be wiser to do this privately, where no one can read my trash, BUT the problem there motivation. Even though I'm writing trash, it's still more fun to type it, know it's going somewhere, and being read. It's a psychosis.

Since my "blog" was updated last, my son is now 7 and in school. Alhamdulileh.

It's funny how much you can go through, how much you can change in 2 years, while mostly appearing the same to people. The adventure, the journey, was all on the inside.

I've changed my tune about homeschooling, for one thing. I was completely gung-ho about it - absolutely bent on it. Stopping homeschooling at one point seemed like a tragedy to me.

But people come into our lives and act as teachers, without them even realizing it. Someone that helped prepare me for what was to come, by the Grace of Allah, was a different relative of my husband's. She came, a strong person with strong opinions and a lot to say, and I enjoyed listening to her and thinking about what she had to say. On that facet, she talked a lot about a socio-political side of Islam that I didn't know anything about. But what she wasn't aware of was another facet of her visit: I got to experience her children interacting with my children.

This has occured before - relatives coming to visit for a period of time - but the kids were younger then, and certain transitions were not in the air. This time, I experienced my son, whose educational direction was already in question, and his happiness at being around another friend. A good companion. How my son was willing to learn from him - excited and energized by that. I thought maybe he would do well in a school setting, a more social setting, and it would be fair to let him try it. So we did, last fall.

He's doing well. He hasn't found that sort of best friend, which really is something special and uncommon, but he has a good time, for the most part. Significantly, I think it's important and fair to give him the opportunity to learn from and experience people other than his family.

I just filled out my middle daughter's kindergarten application for the fall. I won't send it in though until she completes the Early Childhood Screening exam.

I thought about homeschooling her for kindergarten, but in the school's open house in the fall, I took one look at the glorious kindergarten room, and thought, no way. She'd have way too much fun here, inshaAllah. She's really looking forward to it.

And alhamdulileh, inshaAllah I'll still have the baby, at home with me. :)

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Pure Morning

It is 5:52 a.m. It is Ramadan.
It is my little son's birthday, and he is 5 years old today, mashaAllah walhamdulileh.
There is a thunderstorm outside (those that know me, know this is my favorite). Thunder cracking across the sky, sounds just overhead. Lightning flashing through the blackness, in instants flickering through the drawn blinds of my room.
This is beautiful.

I can't believe my son is 5 today. He seems so grown up, so changed from last year. I can't believe the leaps and bounds in maturity, sensitivity and knowledge he has gained, mashaAllah.

Friday, August 21, 2009


InshaAllah, our official homeschooling journey begins September 8th.

I want to supplement the curriculum with Islamic Studies on our own. I have several books - some owned, some library. No plan, though - no systematic order of progression - and that's what bothers me.

I just realized I have about 2 weeks until the official start date. That SHOULD be enough time for me to get organized if I can buckle down.

MashaAllah, we have a school room. Our toddler has been moved into my son's room, so her room will be our school room inshaAllah.

I have almost all our supplies from the online school - books, materials, loaner computer. I have a couple empty plastic drawers, filing crates & hanging folders. My son's tall bookshelf (filled with random stuff that could be organized elsewhere) I'm thinking about moving into the school room. I haven't decided yet how I'm going to organize all this stuff. I still need to receive the scanner from the online school, and we still don't have a printer. Our budget is pushed to the edge, so my husband said he's going to "do some research" about finding a printer. I know he's not looking forward to having to buy the expensive ink cartridges. We've done without a printer now for about 2 years - maybe 2 1/2. But now that we're starting school at home, I think we're really going to need it.

Especially because I want to supplement with a free Islamic curriculum, if I can find one. And it will probably require lots of printing. I know there's tons and tons of resources out there for Islamic lessons and teachings for your children - but what I'm really looking for, in order to be organized, start simply, and not be overwhelmed, is ONE curriculum. Complete with daily lesson plans and a big picture curriculum goal with directions exactly on how to get there. :)

I know Kinza Academy has an Islamic homeschool curriculum - for purchase. My son does attend a weekend Islamic school. He has some simple books from there, so inshaAllah until I can find the solid curriculum plan I'm looking for I can use those.

I'm being called away now, for a bike ride....

Ramadan Kareem!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


Today there's a chill in the makes me sad because I have to face that summer is almost over. Words cannot describe how much I love summer. I love Fall too, but for its bittersweet, gothic melancholy that pensively twists your heartstrings... Summer I love with its shiny, lush, luxuriant engorgement and peace.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Filled with love

of our world and the people in it -

our constant fragile balance

of beauty and tragedy,

happiness and sadness,

frenetic passion

and silent, somnolent calm.