Thursday, February 7, 2008

Horses

Friday, August 25th, 2006

I was looking through some old emails, clearing my mailbox of saved drafts - and I found this poem that I wrote about impressions, experiences from when I was in Mongolia....it seems so long ago...

***
o horses!
we smell of milk and sour sugar,
of apples and toasted brown grass.

and in the race's last rolling notes,
our sliced ears hear
the shrill cries of children,
the saddled and gold-costumed babies,
squeezing our necks with their dimpled thighs,
flying with righteous screams cooled by patches
of skinny wildflowers
when we fall

we open and close our eyes slowly
peering
through long, rough hair
sifting
across the giant heat of soft noses

our bony backs remember babies in yellow costumes,
squeezing our dusty necks with their butter thighs;
and our thick hearts blink at their paper crowns,
rolling away in the wind
when we have
no more lungs
for running

and breathing turns the stomach in a twist.

i am content, laying rest into rust
eating dirt and sighing with seed.

i am gilded in ground nest for old folded bones
and scorched teeth stung white by the sun.
i am all stripped away of the dark life that comes
crawling and crackling
for the sweetness of meat
and a strong house of bone

we rest in piles of rocks and death charms -
smudgy brass cups
with prayers,
echoing round the rim.

and fluttering from rocks
are the threadbare blue sashes
whose silk has come
un-a-ravelling,
streaming blueness like blessings
from the wind's fiery waves
with a coolness
in the end
like kisses
blown into star-soaked night

so the ribbon-lashed mountains rock forward,
kneeling,
in silky dust entrails
and pure straps of sand

after

a blaze of electricity
has needled bright rain
into pastures where we grazed
nearby.

***

(c)2001 Piper Livingston Van Ness

Thinking Past & Forward

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Let's write today.
This morning after Fajr, I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about my college years, for some reason. It's amazing to think that I'm technically still the same person I was 10 years ago. It's amazing to think how much I've changed in 10 years, and how just a handful of eras or major events in that time have shaped me. I live a pretty quiet life, so I guess it's surprising that I've had any major events at all, but I have, masha'allah.What I was feeling wistful about were not the days of jahiliyya...but about the connections and experiences I had with friends and getting to know people. I guess that's what I missed, this morning. Because I rarely get to know anyone deeply anymore. Friends are for special occasions, and there's only so far we'll go to know each other. But maybe that's just because of who I am - cautious and protective. It has always taken me a very long time to share more than a social, surface level with people.

Anyway, I was thinking about all the characters I met during those 4 years of college. There were some that I got to know very well, and they fascinated me, and I wondered what they are doing now. Of course I wondered if they ever think of me. Probably, every once in awhile...but I doubt they'd be able to grasp what my life is now, and how I live it. Especially since I haven't been in contact with them for about 3 years. Alhamdulileh, it was time to move on. I wish they were not living in ignorance. But then again, I didn't and don't love them that much; there's an intrinsic love that you feel for your fellow believers because they believe. They know what you know, and you love them, simply, for that. I pity the people of the past for not holding this treasure in their hearts. They are empty and will be left behind, when the time comes, unless they turn to the truth.

Today feels like the beginning hints of autumn. Autumn ALWAYS makes me pensive and nostalgic and full of daydreams. The sun shines today with a soft, warm, lucid yellow glow. It's still fairly early for a Sunday - 12:30 pm. I had the pleasure of waking up at 8:30 to take my son from his crib, then played with him for awhile, and when he discovered his father in the other room, my son played with him, and I was left, unusually, to fall asleep again, so relaxed, so cozy, so quiet, on the soft, warm bed in my son's room.We watched the last 15 minutes of My Neighbor Totoro while we ate breakfast...I watched the rest last night, late; it ended at about 10:30 or 11:00. Late because my son stayed up and watched it with me. I really liked that movie. I love the emotion and imagination in Hayao Miyazaki's films. It's uplifting. Now I have the fleece blanket from the sofa wrapped around me as I type. Just before, when I was pouring myself a mug of coffee, I felt the twinge of nostalgia. It's quiet, and a bit crisp outside. My husband is studying in his room downstairs, in the basement. My son is asleep. Apparently he didn't sleep well last night; the Totoro movie scared him. Although I felt sorry and gave him lots of hugs and kisses, it was quite funny when he was watching Totoro last night...whenever Totoro roared his enormous roar, my son's bottom lip would turn out and quiver, and he would begin to wail, moan, shriek or sob, depending on his level of fear. He was instantly comforted by me each time though, when I gave him a hug, and kiss on the cheek, and rubbed his tummy.When we were watching this morning, before Totoro even got a chance to roar, my son figured out that it was the same movie from last night, and he shrieked with fear and ran to get his two "gankies" - his two favorite blankets - and ran to sit on my lap.It was interesting that this morning, when I went to get him from his crib, Totoro was obviously the first thing on his mind, as he talked to me about it, saying, "gblighg Bear! bghbiggj RRRRRRAAAAAAOOOOOOORRRR!" (last night he kept calling Totoro a bear.) I was amazed that he remembered it all through the night and into the morning, masha'allah.
Insha'allah I'll try now to get some reading in this morning - finally!

First Blog Post Ever

Thursday, August 17, 2006

I'm trying this out. Thinking nobody will ever read this, and I like it that way. To just have a place to put things, out there. My little quiet space.I'm basically doing this because typing gets thoughts out much faster than hand-writing. And I've felt that urge to write again...typing facilitates it, and I don't want to ignore it. So let's get on with it.

Today I wanted to write because I had this thought in my head - this line (they always used to start out as lines, and then the writing came pouring out once I wrote the initial line or lines in my head): "We've had an exquisite summer. We've been blessed." The thought came without anything "special" or unique to which I could attribute it...(God, it's hard to write after I haven't for so long...because the weight of the thought that this is ON THE WEB weighs on me...ignore the audience!)...It came when I was staring out my bedroom window, after I had watched the neighbor kids play in their yard, marveling at them, wondering what goes on in their heads...thinking how nice that family is, and they don't even know I think that. Because they hardly see any of me, or my family. But they are very visible...always outside.

Today was just my favorite kind of day. Grey skies, a brightness in the atmosphere, before and after rain. A suspense building, about when it would come, and the sounds and smells that go with it.The verdure of summer makes me happy. Rich, emerald, glowing green, frothy trees, the effusion of bright, curling vines, shoots, grass. The droopy abundance of leaves arching spines on their gigantic trees, bending over with their feracious weight.The time felt long, slow, quiet. Sounds fuzzy and buzzed. The echo of calm children's voices in the thick, silver air. Outside my bedroom window, I smiled watching the workers do the roof on the empty house across the street. They were calm, too. Working all day, slowly, methodically, rhythmically. They shared a bond, and were gentile. I thought it was so funny that it's mid-August, and this strange, empty, darkened house, whose owner (if that's what he is - who sometimes sends a teenage lackey) makes rare appearances to mow the lawn in the summer, collect mail, or shovel snow in the winter, has started repair work on his dilapedated Victorian. I've lived here for 2 1/2 years now, and the upper windows of the house across the street are always boarded shut. The lower windows are always dark and empty.

Houses have always fascinated me. I've always dreamed about them, wandering through rooms like mazes, examining the details within....
I've always wondered about the next door neighbors as well. Marveled that they can live 5 with numerous guests in this tiny, tiny house and spend the majority of their free time in their little strip of a yard. There's grass in the west side by the house, but where most of the running around and swinging from tree swings and riding of bikes and wandering of dog and placing of wading pool when it's hot, hot, hot takes place, the grass has worn away and there appears to be a rich, black mud. The southeast corner, they have lovingly dedicated to a vegetable garden. I was very surprised when they had that, the first summer I lived here. I thought a yard filled with junk cars, random parts, rusty bikes and neglected toys and 2 old dogs (now down to 1) would not like to nuture a garden. But they do - and they're very good at it. It's thick and big, and last summer, they sent over lots of tomatoes and zucchini and habenero. They also grow corn and sunflowers.

Last summer they also added an odd deck, about a foot off the ground, built into a small L-shaped corner of the house, outside. Put plastic table and chairs on it, and I didn't see anyone sit there. It's right in the bright sun.But this summer, I was pleased to see that they do use it. I've seen the mother, in summer attire, sit with the baby. I've seen crepe party decorations strung up from it. And they added a nice wrought-iron hook set in the ground there, to hold flower baskets, which are doing well. I guess they must water them and I don't notice. I had a pot of cilantro, thyme, curry, rosemary, mint, chives on my deck, but for lack of remembering to water them (it was a gift, my first plant in years), they quickly were scorched by the sun. I felt bad.They have a nice front garden, too - all flowers. Funny, I don't think I've seen them tend that, either.

Our yard is full of weeds. At the end of last summer I attempted to remove a portion of them. I spent about 2 hours doing it. Then my hands swelled up, red & itching for 2 or 3 days. My neighbor later informed me that it was poison oak. No, I was not wearing gloves. Unfortunately, I'm not a gardener. But perhaps one day, insha'allah.

So my thoughts came at Asr time. The late afternoon glow. And thankfully, no rush into evening. I love August. My thoughts about this summer's exquisiteness came after a beautiful afternoon spent with my sister, father and little son at The Children's Museum downtown. It was magnificent to see his face light up, masha'allah, to see him so filled with energy, curiosity, and concentration. I wish I could inspire him like that every day. That is my goal. But alhamdulileh, I felt no guilt about a self-judged lack of anything...because I was too peaceful, just being. Just hearing the crickets and feeling the slowness of time. I hope we can go to Sugarloaf again this summer. It's this saturation of nature that makes me so happy. And of course, when I felt this particular happiness, I wasn't anywhere but my own house today, my own city...but on days like today, nature lolls and gushes and takes centerstage in your mind.