Thinking Past & Forward

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Let's write today.
This morning after Fajr, I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about my college years, for some reason. It's amazing to think that I'm technically still the same person I was 10 years ago. It's amazing to think how much I've changed in 10 years, and how just a handful of eras or major events in that time have shaped me. I live a pretty quiet life, so I guess it's surprising that I've had any major events at all, but I have, masha'allah.What I was feeling wistful about were not the days of jahiliyya...but about the connections and experiences I had with friends and getting to know people. I guess that's what I missed, this morning. Because I rarely get to know anyone deeply anymore. Friends are for special occasions, and there's only so far we'll go to know each other. But maybe that's just because of who I am - cautious and protective. It has always taken me a very long time to share more than a social, surface level with people.

Anyway, I was thinking about all the characters I met during those 4 years of college. There were some that I got to know very well, and they fascinated me, and I wondered what they are doing now. Of course I wondered if they ever think of me. Probably, every once in awhile...but I doubt they'd be able to grasp what my life is now, and how I live it. Especially since I haven't been in contact with them for about 3 years. Alhamdulileh, it was time to move on. I wish they were not living in ignorance. But then again, I didn't and don't love them that much; there's an intrinsic love that you feel for your fellow believers because they believe. They know what you know, and you love them, simply, for that. I pity the people of the past for not holding this treasure in their hearts. They are empty and will be left behind, when the time comes, unless they turn to the truth.

Today feels like the beginning hints of autumn. Autumn ALWAYS makes me pensive and nostalgic and full of daydreams. The sun shines today with a soft, warm, lucid yellow glow. It's still fairly early for a Sunday - 12:30 pm. I had the pleasure of waking up at 8:30 to take my son from his crib, then played with him for awhile, and when he discovered his father in the other room, my son played with him, and I was left, unusually, to fall asleep again, so relaxed, so cozy, so quiet, on the soft, warm bed in my son's room.We watched the last 15 minutes of My Neighbor Totoro while we ate breakfast...I watched the rest last night, late; it ended at about 10:30 or 11:00. Late because my son stayed up and watched it with me. I really liked that movie. I love the emotion and imagination in Hayao Miyazaki's films. It's uplifting. Now I have the fleece blanket from the sofa wrapped around me as I type. Just before, when I was pouring myself a mug of coffee, I felt the twinge of nostalgia. It's quiet, and a bit crisp outside. My husband is studying in his room downstairs, in the basement. My son is asleep. Apparently he didn't sleep well last night; the Totoro movie scared him. Although I felt sorry and gave him lots of hugs and kisses, it was quite funny when he was watching Totoro last night...whenever Totoro roared his enormous roar, my son's bottom lip would turn out and quiver, and he would begin to wail, moan, shriek or sob, depending on his level of fear. He was instantly comforted by me each time though, when I gave him a hug, and kiss on the cheek, and rubbed his tummy.When we were watching this morning, before Totoro even got a chance to roar, my son figured out that it was the same movie from last night, and he shrieked with fear and ran to get his two "gankies" - his two favorite blankets - and ran to sit on my lap.It was interesting that this morning, when I went to get him from his crib, Totoro was obviously the first thing on his mind, as he talked to me about it, saying, "gblighg Bear! bghbiggj RRRRRRAAAAAAOOOOOOORRRR!" (last night he kept calling Totoro a bear.) I was amazed that he remembered it all through the night and into the morning, masha'allah.
Insha'allah I'll try now to get some reading in this morning - finally!