Monday, March 24, 2008

Building An Islamic Environment?

Here's a question for all you "droves" of readers: ;)

Practically speaking, how do I create a more Islamic environment at home? What should I be doing more of? Less of? Do you designate "Islamic" activities vs. "other" activities?

Six Word Memoir

The Rules

1. Write your own six word memoir

2. Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like

3. Link to the person that tagged you in your post and to this original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere

4. Tag five more blogs with links

5. And don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!

My Memoir:

Dark Into Light

Heartful Love's Sight


Umm AbdurRahman tagged me.

I tag:

Mumina
The Egyptian's Wife
TruWoman
Organic Muslimah

and uh, uh....hmmm I know 3 out of 4 of the above were already tagged, but...oh well.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Camera Obscura

words slither



cautious



careful



ivory




possibly echos

may disappear

and everything


beautiful

again.



















Waiting, pixelated


cringing worn-teeth wounds


shiver on shell

blasted away









rug pulled out

from under feet





measureless and therefore,


lost

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Primary

As a child my dad taught me early that all colors are made from red, yellow and blue.

I always used to wonder, "So where did red, yellow and blue come from?"


*

Now I know.

:)

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Wilt

I feel a deflation after I've come home from the party today.

I was *SO* excited to go to this party today. I'm like a child. I was shaking with nervousness. I don't know if many would comprehend it. I was in high anxiety, gripping me, that I was running late. I got there an hour late, but alhamdulileh it didn't make much difference - we all stayed about 2 1/2 hours later than we had originally thought the party was going to last (we left at 7:30 vs. the orig. 5:00 pm).

It was beautiful. I was so happy to be there, in this beautiful little house that I admired so much, mashaAllah. The hostess was so happy and friendly - we all were - and we laughed so much.

Today was daylight savings, so we "lost" an hour - meaning the day is longer now - alhamdulileh. So we sat in the afternoon light, experiencing it waning into an evening fog. Beautiful, alhamdulileh.

The shining faces.

The lovely children.

The circle of friends, and one big conversation including everyone - I loved it all. MashaAllah, walhamdulileh.

As soon as I walked out the door, I felt sad.

Deflated.

Wilting.

Knew that I was going back to this trial - the test of this feeling, and the situation I'm in lately. Emotionally, I don't know why *exactly* I'm in the place that I'm in. But I feel I'm now ready for the quiet, better change, inshaAllah.

On the way home I got a little lost, but it was nice. I talked to myself for a long time, in the warm car, in the blue evening, the watery yellow-orange lights reflecting from the melted puddles and in the ice and snow. A few gentle flakes blowing in the mild breeze.

I remember telling myself that that I do not want darkness to eat me alive.

The last two days, I've been deflated. I will not say why; it doesn't matter.

I've been realizing lately, it's taken a toll on me.

I realized this while I was in the group of women.

I've become isolated. Lonely. And I am aching for a friend. A deep friend, a best friend, who can love with the capacity that I do.

I have such capacity to love - it is enormous, chasmic, engulfs me.

And I've little shards of myself that have been scattered, and should be found, and replaced.

I realize

I realize

I realize

disappointment

soft smile, so soft

blurring eyes

**

In this group of women, so strong, so shining, so wonderful - I had the sense that I am weak. I had the sense that they would not accept behavior that I have accepted, or at least endured.

But why am I so weak? Why am I so easily crushed?

I belive I should fight it. I believe I should no longer let myself, my delicate self-esteem be dessimated

I believe I should try and be beautiful, shining, and good, despite anything else

I feel disappointed. But I'm not complaining; I am grateful that I have anything and everything at all

I'm grateful for my trials

I am never sure who is right, and who is wrong. Is that strange? I am easily persuaded.

I feel that who I am is a secret.

Who knows me best, but Allah?

I pray that Allah loves me. I cried in my car, knowing for certain that the only true joy is that in the next world - to be in Jannat Firdaus with Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) and his companions, and to see our Lord, Allah.

Allah, how I love you.

Allah, how I pray that you love me, as your slave, your worshipper. How I pray for Your Mercy upon me!

And You are The Most Gracious, Most Merciful.


***

About 15 mins. later:

SubhanAllah.....just another reminder to myself about the amazing therapeutic effects writing has for me. I now feel SO MUCH BETTER. It's truly amazing. I now feel happy, alhamdulileh, mashaAllah.


***

About an hour later:

It has dawned on me that this happiness is from Allah. An answer to how I was feeling...a comfort, a quelling, a warmth. Alhamdulileh, mashaAllah, subhanAllah!

Sunday, March 2, 2008

My Birthday

Today I am 30 years old.

I can't believe it. This is surreal.

I've never cared about age before; in fact, enjoyed a bit growing older, packing all those experiences under my belt.

This is a little bit...sad? It's like the end of an era. The "kid" era...even though I feel like I'm very similar to the same person I've always been....a very child-like person, if I do say so, myself. It sounds bad, but I rather enjoy being me, alhamdulileh.

So from now on, I won't be saying I'm "20-______" anymore. Which is what I've been saying for the past 10 years.

So. Weird.


It was a beautiful day though; gray, rainy, long, slow - my kind of day. :)