I feel a deflation after I've come home from the party today.
I was *SO* excited to go to this party today. I'm like a child. I was shaking with nervousness. I don't know if many would comprehend it. I was in high anxiety, gripping me, that I was running late. I got there an hour late, but alhamdulileh it didn't make much difference - we all stayed about 2 1/2 hours later than we had originally thought the party was going to last (we left at 7:30 vs. the orig. 5:00 pm).
It was beautiful. I was so happy to be there, in this beautiful little house that I admired so much, mashaAllah. The hostess was so happy and friendly - we all were - and we laughed so much.
Today was daylight savings, so we "lost" an hour - meaning the day is longer now - alhamdulileh. So we sat in the afternoon light, experiencing it waning into an evening fog. Beautiful, alhamdulileh.
The shining faces.
The lovely children.
The circle of friends, and one big conversation including everyone - I loved it all. MashaAllah, walhamdulileh.
As soon as I walked out the door, I felt sad.
Knew that I was going back to this trial - the test of this feeling, and the situation I'm in lately. Emotionally, I don't know why *exactly* I'm in the place that I'm in. But I feel I'm now ready for the quiet, better change, inshaAllah.
On the way home I got a little lost, but it was nice. I talked to myself for a long time, in the warm car, in the blue evening, the watery yellow-orange lights reflecting from the melted puddles and in the ice and snow. A few gentle flakes blowing in the mild breeze.
I remember telling myself that that I do not want darkness to eat me alive.
The last two days, I've been deflated. I will not say why; it doesn't matter.
I've been realizing lately, it's taken a toll on me.
I realized this while I was in the group of women.
I've become isolated. Lonely. And I am aching for a friend. A deep friend, a best friend, who can love with the capacity that I do.
I have such capacity to love - it is enormous, chasmic, engulfs me.
And I've little shards of myself that have been scattered, and should be found, and replaced.
soft smile, so soft
In this group of women, so strong, so shining, so wonderful - I had the sense that I am weak. I had the sense that they would not accept behavior that I have accepted, or at least endured.
But why am I so weak? Why am I so easily crushed?
I belive I should fight it. I believe I should no longer let myself, my delicate self-esteem be dessimated
I believe I should try and be beautiful, shining, and good, despite anything else
I feel disappointed. But I'm not complaining; I am grateful that I have anything and everything at all
I'm grateful for my trials
I am never sure who is right, and who is wrong. Is that strange? I am easily persuaded.
I feel that who I am is a secret.
Who knows me best, but Allah?
I pray that Allah loves me. I cried in my car, knowing for certain that the only true joy is that in the next world - to be in Jannat Firdaus with Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) and his companions, and to see our Lord, Allah.
Allah, how I love you.
Allah, how I pray that you love me, as your slave, your worshipper. How I pray for Your Mercy upon me!
And You are The Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
About 15 mins. later:
SubhanAllah.....just another reminder to myself about the amazing therapeutic effects writing has for me. I now feel SO MUCH BETTER. It's truly amazing. I now feel happy, alhamdulileh, mashaAllah.
About an hour later:
It has dawned on me that this happiness is from Allah. An answer to how I was feeling...a comfort, a quelling, a warmth. Alhamdulileh, mashaAllah, subhanAllah!