Sunday, March 9, 2008

Wilt

I feel a deflation after I've come home from the party today.

I was *SO* excited to go to this party today. I'm like a child. I was shaking with nervousness. I don't know if many would comprehend it. I was in high anxiety, gripping me, that I was running late. I got there an hour late, but alhamdulileh it didn't make much difference - we all stayed about 2 1/2 hours later than we had originally thought the party was going to last (we left at 7:30 vs. the orig. 5:00 pm).

It was beautiful. I was so happy to be there, in this beautiful little house that I admired so much, mashaAllah. The hostess was so happy and friendly - we all were - and we laughed so much.

Today was daylight savings, so we "lost" an hour - meaning the day is longer now - alhamdulileh. So we sat in the afternoon light, experiencing it waning into an evening fog. Beautiful, alhamdulileh.

The shining faces.

The lovely children.

The circle of friends, and one big conversation including everyone - I loved it all. MashaAllah, walhamdulileh.

As soon as I walked out the door, I felt sad.

Deflated.

Wilting.

Knew that I was going back to this trial - the test of this feeling, and the situation I'm in lately. Emotionally, I don't know why *exactly* I'm in the place that I'm in. But I feel I'm now ready for the quiet, better change, inshaAllah.

On the way home I got a little lost, but it was nice. I talked to myself for a long time, in the warm car, in the blue evening, the watery yellow-orange lights reflecting from the melted puddles and in the ice and snow. A few gentle flakes blowing in the mild breeze.

I remember telling myself that that I do not want darkness to eat me alive.

The last two days, I've been deflated. I will not say why; it doesn't matter.

I've been realizing lately, it's taken a toll on me.

I realized this while I was in the group of women.

I've become isolated. Lonely. And I am aching for a friend. A deep friend, a best friend, who can love with the capacity that I do.

I have such capacity to love - it is enormous, chasmic, engulfs me.

And I've little shards of myself that have been scattered, and should be found, and replaced.

I realize

I realize

I realize

disappointment

soft smile, so soft

blurring eyes

**

In this group of women, so strong, so shining, so wonderful - I had the sense that I am weak. I had the sense that they would not accept behavior that I have accepted, or at least endured.

But why am I so weak? Why am I so easily crushed?

I belive I should fight it. I believe I should no longer let myself, my delicate self-esteem be dessimated

I believe I should try and be beautiful, shining, and good, despite anything else

I feel disappointed. But I'm not complaining; I am grateful that I have anything and everything at all

I'm grateful for my trials

I am never sure who is right, and who is wrong. Is that strange? I am easily persuaded.

I feel that who I am is a secret.

Who knows me best, but Allah?

I pray that Allah loves me. I cried in my car, knowing for certain that the only true joy is that in the next world - to be in Jannat Firdaus with Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) and his companions, and to see our Lord, Allah.

Allah, how I love you.

Allah, how I pray that you love me, as your slave, your worshipper. How I pray for Your Mercy upon me!

And You are The Most Gracious, Most Merciful.


***

About 15 mins. later:

SubhanAllah.....just another reminder to myself about the amazing therapeutic effects writing has for me. I now feel SO MUCH BETTER. It's truly amazing. I now feel happy, alhamdulileh, mashaAllah.


***

About an hour later:

It has dawned on me that this happiness is from Allah. An answer to how I was feeling...a comfort, a quelling, a warmth. Alhamdulileh, mashaAllah, subhanAllah!

6 comments:

UmmAbdurRahman said...

salamu alaikum umm yehiya. I'm glad you benefited from the gathering. It should comfort you that many people are strong on the outside but struggling with their own issues on the inside out of the view of others. You may have your own private struggles but you keep it together beautifully on the outside and that my dear is strength. Don't you ever think that you are weak because it takes a great deal of strength to put on a happy face when it seems so difficult.

Even though I may have my own issues, you can always call me with anything. Don't feel that you are a burden on me, PLEASE. Remember that each person is tested in a different way. Some things that may seem impossible for you to handle are able to be handled by others. Your test may be too much for others but enough for you. Do you get what I'm saying.

You can always call me in the evening if you want to talk around 6pm or so.

Hang in there.

Mumina said...

Asalaam alaikum Umm Yehiya,

Wow, sis, I feel like I have been reading my thoughts here on your blog. Alhumduhlillah, your thinking is very positive and reflects good iman, and inshaAllah it will remain that way sister, for you, me, and for all Muslims who are struggling in their iman because of the tests and tribulations that come our way. Ameen.

(((((BIG HUG))))) Keep positive, and keep focusing on Allah. Everything you said here and on your last comment to me rings 100% true and is a great comfort for me to read, and an even greater comfort for YOU to feel, I am sure.

Umm Yehiya said...

Jazakallahkhairan for your kind words and support, sisters. I really feel it. :)

*sigh* this is the trouble with having a blog, for ME.

When are you most tempted to write? When you are feeling down. At least, that's often my case.

So then I write, and since I made it public, that is a very scary thing for me - to share the down sides.

I guess that is reality, that is life; everyone has these feelings.

But then after I feel better and am having a good day, like today, I feel so guilty for writing & making it sound like I live a sad life, when really I don't; istaghfirallah, there are people who have it *truly* tough in this world. I am not one of them. I just live life - a pretty regular life, mashaAllah, with its ups and downs. I am truly, truly grateful for everything - alhamdulileh.

What do you ladies feel or do about this?

I hate feeling like I'm complaining to the world...which makes me think I should just keep those posts to myself. So....why don't I? - I'm wondering.

I guess because what we long for is to express ourselves, and to be understood. And then people come and say, yes, I hear you, and I understand.

Do you think that's the point?

How did I ever think I could be a published author when it drives me crazy to wonder if I'm covering my tracks, filling in the whole picture for my readers? :)

UmmAbdurRahman said...

I think you put way too much blame on yourself. While it is a good thing to account yourself for your actions, it's not necessary to feel guilty about expressing yourself.

Do you think that you don't deserve the comfort that we offered you? Because you do. Don't think that because your "issues" are less than others you should feel guilty about having them.

My break is over, but I'll write more later ishaAllah.

Organic-Muslimah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kris said...

Assalam alaikum-
I totally relate to this post. Because we are not perfect and on we are on this journey to enlightenment, inshallah, I think the road is paved with bumps and potholes. I think its nice to know that I am not the only one who feels lonely,or sad about things even if those situations "aren't that bad on the scale of horrible."
We all have days that we feel sad and if writing helps you, maybe your observations help others put things in perspective, mashAllah.
MashAllah, I really think you are a gifted writer. I know I am about a month and half late on reading this post, but I like your writing, mashAllah.
Salam
Kris